I came across a comment on Autostraddle today that read “…I want to be her and top her and bottom her all at the same time. Unnngghhhh so obsessed.” And thought about the confusion of being a lesbian and seeing another girl, then not really knowing if you want to be her, or fuck her, or be friends with her, or hate her. It reminded me of the marry, fuck, or kill game (tell me you know what I’m talking about?! It’s so super funny!). I think it’s (maybe) a pretty common thing that we lezzies go through, so let’s talk about it!
One of the things I never leave out when I tell my coming out story is “….I thought I wanted to be like her, and then later on I realized that I wanted to be with her…” Not speaking of any one girl in particular, but of all of the girls in my history that I was bewitched by or obsessed with before I realized I was gay.
This idea has been haunting me this week. It’s come up in conversation. I’ve read about it on other blogs I follow. Then, I was reading through my old journals from high school and my 16-year-old-latent-lesbian-self surprised the hell out of me: “I kept looking at ***** today, I couldn’t stop thinking how cute she is. I just wanted to hug her and say ‘Ahh you’re so cute, I love you!’ Oh God what if I really am a lesbo? I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but it just seems to freak ALL my friends out. I mean, if I told *****, she’d probably cry.”
I’d see certain girls and think they looked so cool. I wanted to copy their haircuts, their wardrobe, the way they walked, the way they stood….everything about them. I misread my interest in them and my curiosity about them as a desire to imitate them. It took years for me to realize that I had been lusting over them. Surely, you’ve had that realization as well, right? When you analyze your youth, searching for the earliest clues to your lesbianism…there were just some girls that meant more to you than you were capable of understanding at the time. I mean,apparently, even fictional characters went through this:
So now that we’re all grown up and out of the closet, how do we handle our initial fascination to other females that we meet? Do you find that you’re romantically falling for girls who you’d probably be better off being friends with, and vice versa? I mean, how do you distinguish between friends and lovers anymore? Do you find that you meet other gay women, and immediately wonder if they could potentially be your next girlfriend just because you’re both gay and seem to have enough in common to keep a conversation going? Do you mistake your interest in their career/profession as an attraction to them? And is this why lesbians (gays in general, I guess) have the reputation of being promiscuous…because we’re quick to judge all attractions as sexual (instead of realizing that some are just platonic) and then act upon them?
Deep thoughts, ladies. Deep thoughts.