Remember when you first came out of the closet and you were so excited about gay sex that you spent, like, hours google searching what to do, how to do it right, where to put your hands/tongue/knees/etc? (Or maybe you weren’t as scientific as I was. No research? Whatever, I was excited! I’m still excited about lesbi sex! How could you not be?!)
ANYWAY, I DIGRESS…
There is a book called LESBIANSEX 101 lovemaking positions. And you should get it. It is a small-ish hardcover book and it looks like this:
Step-by-step instructions on where to put what.
Full-sized color photos.
Do you prefer standing? Sitting? Laying?
Wanna use strap-ons? Chairs? Handcuffs?
Names like Gilding the Lily, The Eagle Has Landed, Opening Pandora’s Box.
Girls who look like they could maybe be gay like you and me (ok, some of them have long nails and none of them are remotely butch-y, but they look “gayer” (read: more alternative) than most of the girls you see on internet “lesbian porn.” Oh, you don’t watch porn either? Okay you guys are making me feel really awkward today. Thanks.)
HERE’S A FUN STORY: I bought this book from the Barnes & Noble store. Yeah, I bought it in person instead of over the internet (I’m a lesbian and I have sex and I ain’t embarrassed by it!) And as I walked into the store, I noticed this employee with a great short haircut and I thought “she’s cute” and wondered if she was a dyke but kept walking to the GAY BOOKS section because I was on a mission!
When I got to the checkout line, cute haircut girl was the only employee behind the counter. I step up and as I throw down my selection, she says “I know you! We went to high school together!”
FML. I know I just said I wasn’t embarrassed about buying a lesbian sex book, but when you used to know the person who is ringing you up, that sort of changes. There are questions that might have to be answered. Awkward smirks and shoulder shrugs that must be given when the words “I never thought you’d be gay” are directed towards you. Thankfully none of that happened because I don’t think her eyes even scanned my purchase (we were slightly distracted by the fact that we hadn’t seen each other since 2005).
Turns out, she is not gay. But a few days later, facebook told me that she did get her hair cut by a fellow lesbo that also went to our high school, which brings me to the last topic I want to address in this post:
If you went to Bishop Sullivan High School aka St. Michael’s, there is a 70% chance you are a lesbian.
Seriously….have you not noticed this trend?!