Some things I can’t deny

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Three years ago my best friend Paul and I cried to each other over the phone for 2 hours because I was single and lonely and because his dad didn’t accept the fact that he was gay. He told me that the lesbians around here were lame anyway, and I told him that I kind of understood where his dad was coming from because parents raise their kids with these visions of their futures, and being gay is usually (sadly) not anticipated.

Obviously, in an attempt to console each other, we were just speaking out of our asses because there are some great lesbians here (my gf duh!) and it is unfortunate that parents ignore a part of their children’s reality just because it’s not what they wanted for them.  But the words that I used to comfort him have come back to bite me in the ass. Tenfold.

Today my girlfriend is moving into a new apartment. I am here, writing this, instead of there, helping her, because she didn’t ask me if I could or wanted to help. She knew better. Her mom is orchestrating the whole production, and like Paul’s dad, her parents have a hard time accepting that she is gay and in a relationship with me.

I am suffering through a range of emotions right now including but not limited to frustration, anger, self-pity, jealousy, and to top it off, guilt over having any of these emotions at all.

I struggle with the decision of telling my girlfriend these feelings (because they always lead to a huge cry fest and there is nothing that can fix the situation in a flash) or holding them in… and now that this is posted to the blog, I guess I’ve done something in between. Knowing that your family doesn’t accept a part of you that you have no control over is heartbreaking and I wonder if my frustration over the situation is selfish. But I have to deal with the backlash of her family’s disapproval too. This apartment that she is moving into today could have been our apartment, but her parents threatened to cut her off if we went through with that plan.

I find myself in this position at least every other month. It is so hard to imagine that this will be a component of the rest of my life (because we’re kind of engaged, but that’s a whole different story). Sometimes I want to distance myself from my girlfriend so that I can begin to feel what life would be like without the stress of her family, at the same time hoping that if she feels what life is like without me, she’ll reassess the way she lets her family’s opinion of her “lifestyle” affect her decisions. It makes me a little sick to admit that, but it is true.

I never imagined that I would find myself in a situation where I couldn’t brush off someone’s disapproval of me. Is that comparable to never imagining that your child would be gay? We could totally bond over how unimaginable our realities have turned out….except that each of us considers the other to be the problem.

And lover muffin kitten cat cocoa puff, if you read this, I know we’re working on it. I just needed to vent. ❤

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