Three years ago my best friend Paul and I cried to each other over the phone for 2 hours because I was single and lonely and because his dad didn’t accept the fact that he was gay. He told me that the lesbians around here were lame anyway, and I told him that I kind of understood where his dad was coming from because parents raise their kids with these visions of their futures, and being gay is usually (sadly) not anticipated.

Obviously, in an attempt to console each other, we were just speaking out of our asses because there are some great lesbians here (my gf duh!) and it is unfortunate that parents ignore a part of their children’s reality just because it’s not what they wanted for them.  But the words that I used to comfort him have come back to bite me in the ass. Tenfold.

Today my girlfriend is moving into a new apartment. I am here, writing this, instead of there, helping her, because she didn’t ask me if I could or wanted to help. She knew better. Her mom is orchestrating the whole production, and like Paul’s dad, her parents have a hard time accepting that she is gay and in a relationship with me.

I am suffering through a range of emotions right now including but not limited to frustration, anger, self-pity, jealousy, and to top it off, guilt over having any of these emotions at all.

I struggle with the decision of telling my girlfriend these feelings (because they always lead to a huge cry fest and there is nothing that can fix the situation in a flash) or holding them in… and now that this is posted to the blog, I guess I’ve done something in between. Knowing that your family doesn’t accept a part of you that you have no control over is heartbreaking and I wonder if my frustration over the situation is selfish. But I have to deal with the backlash of her family’s disapproval too. This apartment that she is moving into today could have been our apartment, but her parents threatened to cut her off if we went through with that plan.

I find myself in this position at least every other month. It is so hard to imagine that this will be a component of the rest of my life (because we’re kind of engaged, but that’s a whole different story). Sometimes I want to distance myself from my girlfriend so that I can begin to feel what life would be like without the stress of her family, at the same time hoping that if she feels what life is like without me, she’ll reassess the way she lets her family’s opinion of her “lifestyle” affect her decisions. It makes me a little sick to admit that, but it is true.

I never imagined that I would find myself in a situation where I couldn’t brush off someone’s disapproval of me. Is that comparable to never imagining that your child would be gay? We could totally bond over how unimaginable our realities have turned out….except that each of us considers the other to be the problem.

And lover muffin kitten cat cocoa puff, if you read this, I know we’re working on it. I just needed to vent. ❤


Some things I can’t deny

Day Trippin’

At the beginning of this summer, I set a goal to day-trip to the beaches of Mississippi at least four times. The first time was to Bay St. Louis and it wasn’t that amazing because the beach was really close to the highway (not serene) and the water was kind of gross but I had sex on the beach for the first time (not the drink, like, actual sex!) and that made up for everything.

The second time was  to Gulfport and that was much nicer. We rented a jet ski, which was another first for me, and there was a red tide that day so all these crazy sea creatures crept up to shore and we played with them (well, we poked them with sticks and threw sand at them).

The third time was yesterday, and we went to Ship Island. It was already going to be a kick-ass trip because it was our 2 year anniversary, but Ship Island is DA BOMB. It’s so pretty. From what I’ve seen, it is the best that the east side of the gulf coast has to offer.

By 4pm we were toast… as in both tired and burnt. We brought our towels to this shady spot that the lifeguard tower was creating and started taking selfies when the lifeguard said, “y’all can come take pictures from up here if you want a better view.”

What a line. Am I the only person who reads an invite like that as an attempt to holla? Here’s this hunky, blond, tan, lifeguard dude looking down at these two cute, tattooed, pierced,  might be best friends, might be lesbians-but either way it’s gonna be awesome-girls.  I mean, the first thing he said was “where are you guys from? you look too cool to be from Mississippi” and though that is true, it’s a line, am I right?

Atop the glamorous lifeguard deck (ha) we did the whole get-to-know-you thing, blah blah blah and I’m thinking, when do we get to tell him we’re gay and we don’t want to hook up with him…
when this girl walks up to the stand and frowns up at him and yells, “I can’t believe you invited them up there!” And I was getting ready to out us and be like, “no girl, it’s not like that” but then she said, “I wanted to talk to them first! They were supposed to be my friends!” and starts climbing the stairs, smiling at us.

See how fucking cute we are together? We just radiate love and awesomeness. They had been watching us all day and talking about how they wanted to befriend us! Meow!

We continued to make friends with these two, who are engaged BTW, then decided to go down to the ocean and play in the water. The girl hurries after us and says “I wanted to come talk to you when I saw you earlier in the day but I didn’t want to be a weird intruder and I fell asleep anyway and I can’t believe my fiancé got to talk to you first and… and…”

Right as I’m having this celebrity moment (like, srsly, how many times do ppl approach you and say they’ve wanted to be your friend since the minute they saw you?), she says…

“you guys have been together 2 years? That’s so cool. I just had to ask. I mean, I’m engaged, but I’ve always been curious. Like, I’ve kissed girls before, a couple of girls, and I like it, I just never met a girl that I was like, in love with. And now I’m engaged, and it’s like, agh! He’s told me that he’s okay with me hooking up with girls and everything, but like, I’m scared about it because the person I was dating before him….I was in a really long term relationship with this guy…and he broke up with me because I kissed another girl. And I know that my fiancé is different from him, like he really would be okay with me hooking up with another girl….”

And just unloads all of this suppressed lesbianism on us. Wide-eyed and straight-faced. Not in that annoying “I’m curious but I could never do it” kind of way, but in that “I’m curious and now I’m fucking up my chance” kind of way. I can’t even imagine being stuck in that place. The anxiety she must feel, MY GOD! The desperation. Was she asking for advice?

We get on a different subject, then her fiancé walks over, and we exchange numbers because they will be in New Orleans tomorrow and they want to hang out….

As we are leaving the beach, we look at each other like, “fuck. they want to have a threesome don’t they?”

And I woke up this morning to a text from them saying “hey, we’re still planning to be in New Orleans all day tomorrow!”

Middle America Intolerance Food?

I got swept away in a brilliant spring semester which included a class called “Lesbian writers and lesbian writings.” It was serendipitous, I found the class while I was late-night perusing AutoStraddle, because the professor was featured in one of their Straddler On the Street articles. The class was full so I emailed her to get the syllabus because I was so excited about it that I was willing to have the class by myself in my spare time, and somehow she got me in!

Cut to 5 months later and I run into this professor around the campus lakes because both she and my girlfriend were trying to help turtles cross the street (ghey) and we decided to be friends now that we’re no longer teacher/student.

One night we went on a fancy (read: suspenders and ties and make up) double date with her and her “not girlfriend.” We are both interracial lesbian couples, and we were in a part of town that demographically does not support either of those things.  I guess it was like “double the pleasure, double the fun” for the people around there because the hostess at this restaurant had a hard time talking to us about where we wanted to sit, and after dinner we caused quite a stir in the fro-yo store next door with this family of kids who pointed and laughed at my gf when she waved at them for giggling and staring at us wide-eyed and slack-jawed as we walked out of the building. For once though, they were more like the animals in a zoo cage instead of us, because they were on the inside. 

Two nights ago I had a repeat experience, but with a different interracial lesbian couple and at a different fro-yo store. There was this group of college girls sitting by the entrance and I felt one of them staring at us the second we approached the door. I could just feel her heightened sense of discomfort and she nearly dropped her damn spoon. She turned herself around twice, like full upper-body turn, to look at us as we were getting our yogurt. There were no skinny ties or suspenders involved like the first time this happened, but we still sparked a reaction.

I texted my professor/friend to ask her, “what is it with fro-yo and homophobes?” and she came up with, “I guess yogurt is Middle America intolerance food?”

That is unfortunate, because it is also my comfort food. 



Y’all remember the post I wrote, I’m Over My Girlfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend?

The original reason I wrote it was to discuss the mild discomfort I have over this girl’s presence in our lives. I think my feelings are valid though, right? I mean, your girlfriend being friends with her ex-girlfriend is an awkward situation! I’m just constantly thinking “there are things about my gf that I know that she knows too” and it freaks me out.

Anyway, there were things that I omitted from that post because I didn’t want to sound like an asshole, but today they seem kind of funny. Like how I got really annoyed that time the ex text messaged my girlfriend at 7 am to say “Hey, I’m free all day if you want to hang out”. Which makes me think she woke up with my girlfriend on her mind (7 am is early y’all) but also, it was a giant reminder that she knows my girlfriend well enough to know that she would be awake and running around that early in the morning.

WAIT WAIT HERE’S THE FUNNY PART: The ex-girlfriend found out about the post through her roommate’s mom’s cousin or some 6-degrees-of-separation situation like that (hey, by the way, thanks for reading my blog!)  and she called my girlfriend to tell her about it! Therefore proving my point that she is impossible to escape.

The end.

Mom Award.

My mom called me while I was napping a few hours ago and left a voicemail that said (among other things):

” I meant to call you yesterday because I saw on facebook that it was National Coming Out Day and I wanted to give you a celebratory HURRAH! ”


Same Love

I watched this music video while I was cuddling with my gf the other day. I got to 2:40 and LOST IT. Sobbed into her armpit for God knows how long.

I had listened to the song for the first time a few days earlier while we were studying in a coffee shop. I had to stop reading my book and look down–way down–and bite my lip and think about rainbows and llamas and cute kitties and unicorns and anything happy because the lyrics made me want to fall into the fetal position and beat the floor and cry.

“A world so hateful someone would rather die than be who they are.” Srsly, my heart breaks every time.

Props to this dude for  for being a living example of the idea that you can give a damn about an  unjust situation, even if it doesn’t directly affect you.